


Frost Bite

by MostlyOnline



Category: Original Work
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Other, ice ice baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 12:22:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10189814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MostlyOnline/pseuds/MostlyOnline
Summary: A serious fan fiction between a man and his icebox.  I would like Jesus to know that I am sorry.This sin was shat out into the world after Brenna and I witnessed a man staring intently down at an ice box in Safeway and Brenna said “Wow, I wish that someone would look at me the same way that man looks at ice”.  All in all, this was a fun little thing to write even though the prompt was fucking weird.Enjoy





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is the cover page to the fic if it gives you any indication of what this is https://twitter.com/MostlyOnline/status/839716438889787392

“We have to stop meeting like this,” he whispered in a rough voice. He leaned in closer to her as her motor purred with excitement under his stare. Here he was again, at the local Safeway on a sunny afternoon. Staring back at his reflection in the frost that had built up on the door, he found himself reminiscing in the first time they had met.  
Their affair began when he simply wanted to buy ice. He went into the store expecting it to be a quick trip but little did he know that his trip would lead to a bit more than he paid for. He thought nothing of it until he opened her for the first time. The small wisps of cold air ran along his hands and arms, kissing his burning cheeks gently. He swore he could stand there forever as wave after wave of the cold washed over him. The dream was broken when an employee tapped him on the shoulder and told him that he couldn’t stand there all day with the door open. Fools. How could they not see what was happening? Reluctantly he shut the door, hit with a last rush of air that sent a chill down his spine.

“Stacy, the guy is back”  
“Who are you talking….oh goddammit”  
“I’ll get the manager”

Since their fateful encounter he has been by at least once a week, even if he didn’t need to buy anything, just to see her again. He thought about her, dreamt about her, longed for his Ice Queen. Again he stood there today, trying to seem like a normal shopper who was just going to grab some ice. Yet it was hard for him to restrain himself. How could he ignore the condensation that dripped off the window and the way that she hummed softly to herself? What a tease. Sometimes if he felt daring he would stick his head through the door and take deep breaths. He liked the way his pants misted and faded in almost an instant. If someone asked, he would play it off like he was recovering from a heatstroke though really he was just suffering from the burning passion that engulfed his heart.

“Hey bossman the weird guy is back”  
“Which one…oh goddammit”  
“I’m calling the police”  
“Please do”

It was not uncommon for the store staff to find peculiar items in the ice box. Sure there were ice cream tubs customers were too lazy to put back (better in the freezer than stashed between the twix and gum) and the occasional milk jug, but a couple months back the staff noticed that the ice box had developed…a theme. Roses, heart-shaped chocolates, and a variety of handwritten love letters that sometimes included a picture. The pictures were never too detailed to pinpoint whoever was behind the gifts but it was not hard to pick up on the odd behaviors of one particular customer. He came in during low traffic hours and loitered next to the ice box. Often he could be seen opening and closing the door, rummaging between the bags and grunting. The employees would have said something but to be honest they didn't feel like getting stabbed at their minimum wage job. He would leave with two bags of ice every time, maybe he had OCD or something. Buying the ice was an obvious front but no one dared ask for an explanation.

“…My beautiful snow angel” he whispered again as he adjusted his shirt collar. He felt hot. Too hot. The thought crossed his mind from time to time but it was always just a fantasy…to enter her and feel her from the inside. It was not enough to stick his arm in, he desired much more. He was a selfish man. Maybe…maybe just this once would be fine. The man peeked over his shoulder to check if the coast was clear. The store was practically empty and the employees were all distracted. If he was going to act, now would be the perfect time…

“…Stacy did the guy leave?”  
“The ice guy? I was avoiding eye contact to be honest… He might have?”   
“Stacy you useless whore”

The only light source came from the single door to the ice box. He hugged the side farthest from it and found an odd comfort between her walls. “You know babe, this isn’t the first time I’ve done something like this…there was this sexy sofa back in ’09 that I had a summer fling with…but you don’t wanna hear that, do ya?” he asked in a husky voice. In response, the machine’s motor kicked. “Oh, you like that? What a dirty, dirty girl you are. Someone should replace your filter.” He had a small hope that the cool air would calm him down but the dirty talk excited him even more. It was too much. He couldn’t hold back anymore.

“Yeah officers, he was just here but we didn’t see him leave…I know it’s weird but can you check inside the freezer?”  
“Do you think he’s inside the freezer…? Any particular reason?”  
“We have reasons to believe that this man is fucking nuts”  
_I don’t get paid enough for this shit_ the officer thought as he made his way to the freezer.  
The scene was something to behold. Truly something that you see with your own two eyes and then contemplate drinking bleach in the Denny’s parking lot. It was hard to describe exactly what the officer stumbled upon (mostly because he blocked the mental image from his memory). The suspect was found breathing heavily, naked in the freezer covered in ice and precipitation. He laid on top the carnage while fondly stroking a bag of ice in his lap. Every bag was half emptied, presumably through the various holes and tears that marked each of them. The only thing the man said was “I’ve got a little _frost bite_ ”  
The door slammed instantaneously.  
The officer turned on his heels and made his way back outside, determined to find the nearest Denny’s parking lot. The manager chased after him, shouting as the officer grabbed a bottle of clorox “Hey, what about the guy!?” he asked.  
“Sir, nuts aren't the only thing he’s fucking.”


End file.
